If you are Obsessive Compulsive press 1 repeatedly.

If yo are Co-dependant please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities press 3, 4, 5 & 6.

If you are Paranoid we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.

If you are Schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you wich number to press.

If you are a Manic-depressive it doesn't matter wich number you press, no one will answer.

If you are Dyslexic press 96969696969696.

If you have a Nervous disorder please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 0 0 0.

If you have Bi-polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try again later.

If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far too busy to talk to you, so fuck off.